Hi lovelies,
Let’s face it, you can’t talk about romantic love without first talking about self-love, and I say this from my own personal experience. I started my journey to self-love and self-discovery after a string of intermittent and non-committal relationships with men that weren’t in a place to be a true partner to me. But from these experiences I was able to glean life lessons that have led me to live a fuller and more joyful life. They also led me into being in a healthy, loving, happy, secure, and grounded relationship with a wonderful man. It is my hope that these insights do the same for you.
But let’s start from the beginning. Here I was, an accomplished entrepreneur who founded her own media company, a published author with three books under her belt, an international podcast host, a Georgetown Alumnae, and a financially secure woman, that was choosing to date men that were either emotionally unavailable or financially unstable, and oftentimes both.
The turning point for me was when the guy that I was dating at the time called me ‘selfish and self-centered’ because I was proud of my accomplishments and was sharing my future professional goals with him. Mind you, he didn’t have a steady job, his own car, or his own place to stay, but yet he had the audacity to belittle and dismiss me for my career achievements. It was gaslighting at its finest.
Something in me snapped and I decided at that point that I had enough of not being loved, valued, appreciated, and respected in my relationships. I decided that I was done with being emotionally abused. I knew that I had to do things differently in order to find the love that I truly deserved.
So this time around, instead of looking at the men and shaking my finger at everything that was wrong with them, I took that same finger and pointed at myself to see why I was choosing men that were like them. I had to get brutally honest with myself and look inward instead of placing the blame outward.
I had to look in the mirror and ask, “What do I need to work on and heal within myself in order to attract a man that not only truly loves me, but was also truly worthy of my love?” The truth was, I didn’t know. So I set out on a personal journey of self-discovery to find out and below are the key steps that I took on my road to self-love.
5 Steps to Self-Love and Power Couple Goals
#1. I went to therapy
Although I love my friends and family, I knew that I needed an objective and professional person in my life that could guide me in my journey to self-love and self-discovery. I found a therapist that I trusted and started going weekly to unpack not only my current state-of-being, but also my childhood and past experiences that shaped the way I see and move within the world.
I had to tap into my own subconscious beliefs and patterns that were dictating my life choices and that were ultimately sabotaging my love life. It wasn’t always easy or pretty. In fact, it was painful, hard, and challenging to really dig deep into myself and my past to see what was driving me on the soul-level.
I can’t promise you that there won’t be times when you want to quit, but I can promise you it will be worth it because on the other side of the grit and the fear, is true freedom. The freedom to love yourself for exactly who you are and the freedom to make conscious choices about what you do and do not tolerate in your life because you know and believe that you are enough.
Power Couple Goal: Seek support and counseling before you need it and when you need it. Going to therapy when things are in a good place is a great way to strengthen your relationship so you have the tools to deal with fights, arguments, disagreements, and problems in a healthy way rather than having things escalate to a negative space and then trying to go back and pick-up the pieces.
But with that being said, it’s never too late to seek support. So if things aren’t in a healthy place in your relationship, there is no shame in going to couples counseling to get an outside and professional opinion on how to heal and grow your relationship.
#2: I committed to the process
I took a step back from dating and chose to focus on myself in order to fully commit to the process of working on me. To do this, I had to work on my own self-awareness and fully commit to looking at myself in a realistic and authentic way. The key to seeing my own limitations, my own areas of improvement, my own weaknesses, and my own short-comings, in a way that was healing and not condemning, was to simultaneously hold space for self-love, self-compassion, and self-understanding without judgment.
I would speak to myself in a kind and loving way. I would cut myself some slack and not judge myself. I had to learn how to fully embrace and radically accept all of me and allow myself the grace to make mistakes, to be a work-in-progress, and to not have to be perfect. Being both the shadow and light didn’t mean that I wasn’t worthy of love. It didn’t mean that I was broken, damaged, or flawed. It didn’t mean that I was lacking. It didn’t mean that I wasn’t enough. It simply meant that I was human.
Power Couple Goal: Commit to each other and commit to the relationship through both thick and thin. Shift your perspective from, “Are we going to get through this?” to “How are we going to get through this?” When you really commit to making the relationship work, your mindset needs to change to knowing that things aren’t going to be perfect and roses all of the time, but that doesn’t mean that your relationship isn’t strong enough to weather the storm. There will be inevitable down and hard times but your equal commitment to being a team and facing any and all obstacles together will sustain your relationship during the tough times.
Also, hold the space for love, compassion, and understanding for your partner. Nobody’s perfect and we all fall short, make mistakes, and have things that we need to work on. Speak to your partner in a kind and loving way and ask the same from your partner. Committing to your relationship is the fundamental decision that will make your relationship stronger after the hard times.
#3: I took ownership
I previously mentioned that I took that finger of blame and pointed it at myself, but I want to be clear that it’s not about blaming anyone or about who’s wrong or right, it’s about taking back your power by being accountable and responsible for your own life. As long as I was blaming the ‘no good’ men in my life, I had no power to allow real love into my life because it meant that someone outside of myself was responsible for my happiness and ultimately, my self-worth.
The moment I took ownership for the choices that I chose to make and what was going on in my life, I felt empowered. I felt in control and left any feeling of victim-hood behind. I forgave myself for any past choices that I made that didn’t serve my highest good. I did the best I could for where I was at in that particular moment and what I needed was self-compassion not self-condemnation. Taking ownership for who you are is the single most powerful thing you can do for your life. It frees you to choose differently and to truly get what you want and deserve in this world.
Power Couple Goal:
Take ownership for your 50% in the relationship. When things are going well, acknowledge and appreciate yourself for showing up fully and in a positive way for yourself and your partner. Also, acknowledge and appreciate your partner during the good times. Let them know how much you love them when things are going well and not just when you’re trying to get them back on your side after a fight or disagreement. Cultivate your relationship during the good times to build a stronger foundation for the long-term.
Additionally, take ownership for your part when things aren’t going well. It takes two to tango, so taking responsibility for your part when things are tough is equally as important as holding your partner accountable for their role as well. Admitting your part is a powerful way to gain trust and security with your partner because they know that gives them permission to do the same. They can be honest about their own short-comings without the fear of abandonment because you’re being strong enough to be honest about yours.
#4: I dated myself
I’ve been single throughout my life, but just because I was single, that didn’t mean that I was honoring being with myself. I had to choose to date myself in an authentic way in order to discover who I was at my core. I had to discover what my likes were, what my dislikes were, what my needs were, what my wants were, what my passions were, what my pet peeves were, and what my desires were. I basically had to start from scratch and really get to know myself.
I had to get in tune with my body, mind, spirit, and intuition in order to know myself fully. It was from this place of knowingness that I was able to give myself permission to fully love, accept, and see myself for all that I am. It was through this process that I finally understood unconditional love. It allowed me to love myself intrinsically, for just being who I am, that was enough.
Power Couple Goal:
Never stop dating each other. Never stop striving to know each other at deeper and more meaningful levels. Carve out time during the week to spend time together and to go out on dates. Keep the romantic spark alive by checking in with your partner to make sure that their needs are being met and be vocal about what you need to feel loved and desired too. Don’t allow yourself or your partner to get complacent in the relationship. Commit to each other to make putting in the effort to keep the relationship fresh, exciting, and new.
Just like the journey to self-discovery is lifelong and on-going, the same goes for your relationship. The beauty of a healthy relationship is that everyday you get to discover new things about your partner to love and you get to reveal new things about yourself for your partner to love.
#5: I implemented a self-care routine
On my journey to self-love and self-discovery, the biggest lifestyle change I had to make was to have a tangible self-care routine in place. I had to learn how to self-soothe during emotionally difficult times and how to create a lifestyle of honoring the unique space that I take up in the world in order to create a life of peace, love, and acceptance. I started meditating, journaling, taking walks in nature, listening to positive podcasts, seeking support from friends and family, and learning how to not take things personally.
This also meant creating healthy boundaries with friends, family, and co-workers. It meant taking time just for myself and doing what I needed to do to be healthy and whole. It meant not being afraid of having standards and communicating my wants and needs with others. It meant having my ‘no’ be a ‘no’ and my ‘yes’ by a ‘yes.’ It meant working on healthy and effective communication skills. It meant surrendering to a lifelong process of choosing to fall in love with myself everyday and to make my own well-being my first and best priority.
Power Couple Goal:
Have a self-care routine in place for your relationship. This means creating the space to have healthy and constructive conversations with each other instead of fighting to be right, asking for space and time instead of ignoring and ghosting each other, doing fun activities together that bring you closer, and making the time to do things without each other so you’re still cultivating yourself as a healthy and fulfilled individual.
